happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
