her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
