Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
