why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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