I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
