I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
