And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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