Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
