Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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