are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
