Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
