i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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