Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
