apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
