i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
