She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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