he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
