I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
only you would photoshop your dick
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
