Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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