I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize