you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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