1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
