I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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