the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
