you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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