Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
