Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need to sanitize my soul.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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