How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
