I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
