The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
