I'm lost and stupid without you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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