Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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