My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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