hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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