Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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