two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
