new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
