new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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