quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
