So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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