I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
