In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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