As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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