Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize