My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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