I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
