I can text with my tongue
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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