Tell her she can't have a vagina
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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