The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
