your parents love me but you hate me
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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