here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
