Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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