I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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