Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
