Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
