don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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