i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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