I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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