Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize