you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize