Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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