I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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