He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
