just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
