No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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