that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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