he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
