Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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